A Sudden Goodbye

Posted: March 4, 2010 in Uncategorized

I received a call this afternoon that an ex of mine committed suicide last week. He’d just turned 30.  I first met Jonathan when I worked for Wells Fargo Bank back in 2000-2001.  I was 35 and he had just turned 21. In spite of our age difference, we shared a lot in common, including unfortunately drugs.  In fact it was safe to say that drugs fueled the relationship, added fire to the violence, and scarred us both. He went to jail in ’04 and that ended the relationship, though a friendship of sorts endured for another few years. When I met Damon, John was happy for us, and sadly, when Damon went to prison (for a crime he committed in another state, one I knew nothing about), John was there for me, and when Damon was killed in a prison fight, John consoled me.

In spite of our oil and vinegar relationship, we loved one another, we just couldn’t be together for any length of time. The last time I saw him was on my birthday in ’08. As usual, he happened to show up when I least expected it, and though it had been some time since I’d seen him prior to that, we fell into a comfortable routine of arguing and sex.  We exchanged a couple of emails, he mentioned something about moving to Georgia and that was the last I heard from him.

In spite of that, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about him, wondered how he was doing. Sure, we put the function into dysfunctional, but when we weren’t arguing, there was nothing we couldn’t do. When he went to jail, I was the only one who went to visit him; I was the only one who wrote him. I was his only contact.

I still have the letters he wrote me, and in fact was reading through them the other day, and wished I knew where he was and what he was doing. I wanted to tell him about everything that was going on, with Bandersnatch, with Barbed Wire Kisses, with everything.

I’ll never get that chance now, though somehow, I hope he knows, and hope he understands how much I loved him and always will.

  1. khkoehler says:

    I’m sorry for your loss.

  2. Jerrod Balzer says:

    I’m sorry to hear this. You know how to reach me if you ever want to talk 🙂